Archive for the ‘Movie’ Category

Dark Souls Wants To Eat Your Children.

February 5, 2011

That’s right mother fucker! Demon’s Souls “sequel” is coming for that ass and it’s coming to use your spine as dental floss. The spiritual sequel is called Dark Souls and this time, From Software is bringing it to the PS3 as well as the 360. So now even more people can experience the video game that’s the closest thing to self mutilation I can think of. All of you so called “hardcore” gamers who play nothing but Call of Duty, GTA and Madden need to understand what the word “hardcore” truly means . Dark Souls wants nothing more than to harm you and everyone you hold dear. It wants to batter you physically and rape you mentally.

The 60+ hours I spent on Demon’s Souls was a lesson in Stockholm Syndrome. My constant deaths were all my fault. After all, the game was just being itself. The game did no wrong. It was just being the abusive step-child smacking, wife beater wearing game it is. When I died it was all my fault. Yes, all…my…fault. *nervously looks around*

NO DON’T HIT ME! I’M SORRY! I’M SORRY! PLEASE, NO! I’LL REMEMBER NEXT TIME I PROMISE!

*cowers into fetal position*

Dark Souls

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Merry New Year!

December 31, 2010

Here’s to another year of snobbery, cynicism and pretension! Have a great 2011 everyone!

Zack Snyder’s Pitch For Sucker Punch

July 31, 2010

*It helps if you imagine Zack Snyder sounding like Ted Logan from Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure as played by the amazing Keanu Reaves*

Zack Snyder: “Hey I got this idea for this epic movie, it’s like these hot badass chicks all scantily cladded up in school girl uniforms and they’re all like really good at fighting so they like kick major ass! And they use like guns AND Chinese swords! You know, like the kind samurai’s use? In China? And then there’s like huge epic dragons and fucking huge robots in it. And there will be radical explosions and shit, like totally dude! It’s gonna be EPIC!

Movie Execs: Mr. Snyder…

Zack Snyder: Oh and there’s this one scene where there’s this giant like samurai shogun kung fu guy but he doesn’t have a sword, well he does, but he also has like this huge gattling gun! Oh man! It’s gonna be totally like dude bro! Like…dude bro. Hey! That should be the name of the movie! DUDE…BRO!

Movie Execs: Mr. Snyder…

Zack Snyder: And then there’s these gangster guido guys in it and there’s also like WWI style planes in it and motorcycles and missles(all of which explode at some point) and all kinds of epic stuff! We’ll run spots on G4 and Spike TV 24 hours a day leading up to the release! It’s gonna be…

*Movie execs interrupting*

Movie Execs: Epic?

Zack Snyder: EEEPPPPPPIIIIIIIIC!!! I haven’t thought up the story yet but that shouldn’t take long, I can write it during the drive home. All it’s gonna cost is $800 million dollars.

Movie Execs: Mr. Snyder the movie will be called Sucker Punch, not Dude Bro.

Zack Snyder(sadly): Dude.

Movie Execs: Here’s your $800 million dollars.

Zack Snyder: DUUUUUUUUUUDE! THIS MOVIE IS GONNA BE…

*Movie execs interrupting*

Movie Execs: “Epic”, we know.

Zack Snyder: EEEPPPPPPIIIIIIIIC!!!

Every Little Step by John Travolta

July 8, 2010

You know what? I’ve given it some serious thought and I’ve finally come to a decision…..I’m not mad at this.

“My name is Brown, that’s what they call meeeee, owwwwwwww, owww, owww…”

Exit Through The Gift Shop

May 30, 2010

Here’s my review: See it.

WE DIDN’T CROSS THE BORDER! THE BORDER CROSSED US!

May 6, 2010

In the distant future, movie aficionados will passionately argue over which is the greater cinematic achievement: Citizen Kane or Machete? They will be divided into two distinct groups. Those that cite Machete and idiots.

Golgo 13: Duke Togo

May 23, 2009

Wait…what? *rubbing eyes* Is this…is this shit real? Are you serious? Are you serious right now?! Oh fuck yeah. Sold. That’s all there is to it. Give me an M-16 that breaks down into a briefcase to go with it and I will literally murder in cold blood for this.

Duke Togo

ALSD Top 8 Movies of 2009

May 11, 2009

This year seems to be a pretty good one for movies. I was really happy with the way Watchmen turned out and it seems there are even more movies that will be coming out later this year that I’m actually excited to see. Here’s my list of movies I want to see in the theaters and not just simply download.

Inglorious Basterds

Inglorious Basterds: I’m a Tarantino fanboy. He falls into a league of directors where I love pretty much everything they do. M. Night Shyamalan, Wes Anderson, Hayao Miyazaki and Quentin Tarantino. I’ve liked, no loved everything he’s done. I thought he might have slipped when I watched “Death Proof” but I’ve seen that movie three times since then and have loved it more upon each successive viewing. I’ve been following the progress of Basterds for a looong time. It’s been in development for I’d say about 8, 9 years now. Finally I get my long standing hunger for a Tarantino War movie satiated. The only gripe I have is that I wish the Basterds were cast with more known actors than Jewish actors who I don’t. It makes more sense for the movie I get it, but still, whatever.

Where The Wild Things Are

Where The Wild Things Are: Meet the runner up for my most anticipated movie of the year. If they gave this movie to anyone else, it probably would’ve been made into a Disney/Pixar-esque sugar coated family film kids would have come in droves to see in repeated viewings. But thankfully, Where The Wild Things Are was handed over to the one person who could do this movie justice and be made exactly the way it should be made. I feel once people see this in the theaters, they will realize that they could not have given this movie to no better person than Spike Jonze. I can’t wait for this.

Paper Heart

Paper Heart: Paper Heart has an interesting premise in that it isn’t a real documentary but it’s about a girl, Charlene Yi, who is making a documentary about how she can’t fall in love but in the process meets Michael Cera(Yi’s real life boyfriend) and thus a love story begins. So let me recap so I can get it straight in my head, it’s a movie shot as a documentary but still really is just a movie about Charlene Yi and Micheal Cera, who play themselves in this movie/documentary and how they fall in love, but are already dating in real life. This movie is so meta.

Black Dynamite Poster

Black Dynamite: I’ve done a post on this movie already. Just watch the trailer. There, that’s it. That’s all I’m gonna say to get people to watch this film. Watch the trailer and have your life changed.

Ip Man

Ip Man: I can get this right now. I can import this movie as I type this. This is the only movie on the list that’s already out. I can head over to Yesasia and order the HK version of this. You know what? Fuck it………………………………………….there, done. It’ll be at my house in about two weeks. Donnie Yen as Ip Man. That’s all I needed to know for me to pick this up. Best martial arts movie to come out this year, I’m sure of it.

PONYO

Ponyo: Miyazaki is one of my heroes. You have to realize that anything we can get from Miyazaki at this point is a gift. The guy has been close to retirement for years and he has said on several occasions that his current movie would be his last. He’s been saying that since 2001, which was about 4 movies ago. So everytime news breaks on him directing another film, I get on my knees and thank the animation gods for blessing us with yet another masterpiece. Miyazaki does either far reaching, huge epic fantasy movies or small contained slice of life movies with fantasy elements. Ponyo is very much the latter. I don’t even know that exact premise for the film and to be honest, I don’t need to. Oh and I hope you notice and appreciate the dichotomy of having Ponyo and Black Dynamite on the same list.

Soul Power

Soul Power: One of my favorite documentaries of all time is When We Were Kings and this is like a complimentary piece for that film. Soul Power takes a look at the amazing musical side of this whole event. If you love documentaries(like me) and absolutely love soul music(like me), this movie should be a no brainer. James Brown with a moustache?! C’mon you can’t fucking beat that.

Kobe Doin' Work

Kobe Doin’ Work: One day the list will go: Jordan is The God. Kobe is The Second Coming. Lebron shall be The King. 1, 2 and 3. There’s the all time greatest list right there. This Spike Lee Joint gives us a glimpse of Kobe Doin’ Work. Oh you can watch this on ESPN and not the theater but whatever. It’s a movie, came out this year. It works.

Black Dynamite

January 15, 2009

Oh fuck me, I’m all over this. I’ll have to retract my previous statement of High Kick Girl as best movie of 2009. I officially change my answer to Black Dynamite. Actually, you know what? High Kick Girl can keep it. Black Dynamite deserves a more fitting award like greatest piece of cinematic work ever created by humans. Oh how I wish Grindhouse were a triple bill with this movie sandwiched in between.

Oh did I mention that this movie will make it’s premier at the 2009 Sundance Film Festival? Yeah, it’s like that.

“When “The Man” murders his brother, pumps heroin into local orphanages, and floods the ghetto with adulterated malt liquor, Black Dynamite is the one hero willing to fight all the way from the blood-soaked city streets to the hallowed halls of the Honky House.”

Black Dynamite Japan

You Must See This Movie

January 14, 2009

Slumdog