Zack Snyder’s Pitch For Sucker Punch

*It helps if you imagine Zack Snyder sounding like Ted Logan from Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure as played by the amazing Keanu Reaves*

Zack Snyder: “Hey I got this idea for this epic movie, it’s like these hot badass chicks all scantily cladded up in school girl uniforms and they’re all like really good at fighting so they like kick major ass! And they use like guns AND Chinese swords! You know, like the kind samurai’s use? In China? And then there’s like huge epic dragons and fucking huge robots in it. And there will be radical explosions and shit, like totally dude! It’s gonna be EPIC!

Movie Execs: Mr. Snyder…

Zack Snyder: Oh and there’s this one scene where there’s this giant like samurai shogun kung fu guy but he doesn’t have a sword, well he does, but he also has like this huge gattling gun! Oh man! It’s gonna be totally like dude bro! Like…dude bro. Hey! That should be the name of the movie! DUDE…BRO!

Movie Execs: Mr. Snyder…

Zack Snyder: And then there’s these gangster guido guys in it and there’s also like WWI style planes in it and motorcycles and missles(all of which explode at some point) and all kinds of epic stuff! We’ll run spots on G4 and Spike TV 24 hours a day leading up to the release! It’s gonna be…

*Movie execs interrupting*

Movie Execs: Epic?

Zack Snyder: EEEPPPPPPIIIIIIIIC!!! I haven’t thought up the story yet but that shouldn’t take long, I can write it during the drive home. All it’s gonna cost is $800 million dollars.

Movie Execs: Mr. Snyder the movie will be called Sucker Punch, not Dude Bro.

Zack Snyder(sadly): Dude.

Movie Execs: Here’s your $800 million dollars.

Zack Snyder: DUUUUUUUUUUDE! THIS MOVIE IS GONNA BE…

*Movie execs interrupting*

Movie Execs: “Epic”, we know.

Zack Snyder: EEEPPPPPPIIIIIIIIC!!!

WE DIDN’T CROSS THE BORDER! THE BORDER CROSSED US!

In the distant future, movie aficionados will passionately argue over which is the greater cinematic achievement: Citizen Kane or Machete? They will be divided into two distinct groups. Those that cite Machete and idiots.

You Must See This Movie

High Kick Girl

I have no idea what the story is about and frankly I don’t care. I’m already sold. Best film of 2009.

Live Action Cowboy Bebop? Survey Says: FUCK NO!

Ugh. Cowboy Bebop live action movie?! What a fucking huge kick in the dick. I can’t believe this shit. Okay maybe I can, I mean wasn’t Eva suppose to have a live action adaptation? Ugh, whatever. Bebop with no Shinichiro Watanabe? No Yoko Kanno? No thanks.

The live action movie will look similar to this.

Random Thought: Silver Lining

Everytime the thought of the 1994 Street Fighter live action movie crosses my mind, I can’t help but shudder in fright. Sometimes the attacks gets so bad, I find myself curled up in the corner in a fetal position covering my ears screaming. Quite possibly THE game of my youth, ruined in a 104 minute epic of shit. Fortunately, I’m much older now and have grown a tougher skin and have come to expect the eventuality of some of my favorite childhood intellectual properties getting the Hollywood treatment.

What the 94′ Street Fighter movie starring Jean-Claude Van Damme has taught me is to look at the bright side of things. To recognize the poistive, not the negative, in essence to see the silver lining. I mean, at the very least I got to see real life manifestations(albiet shitty) of beloved characters.  So as god awful as the new Street Fighter movie(I’m sure) WILL be, I have to admit…it can’t be all bad.

Now all they have to do is recreate the famous scene from Street Fighter II: The Animated Movie where Chun Li fights Vega shot for shot. Shot…for…shot.

Mmmmmm, dirty Chun Li.